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2017-08-02 | Tkitty | Quit and Tired

I left Tkitty today... for good. I am so tired. I am tired of my own words. I have no energy, no juice. I went out to the mesa and sat for hours on top of my pickup canopy and watched the shrubs and dirt and the Taos mountains as it grew dim. I've had this fear before, the fear that this will not change, that I won't get my spark back, the fire that makes me code and write. I have my journal, yes, I'll always have that. I have Kor's source tree, and I told Jacob I would do something with it, but I just don't have anything right now. What if this is it? What if this is some kind of snap where I am adrift from now on? My head feels empty, like it is filled with air and bouncing around in the air. My identity is thin, a bubble of soap film. I'm not sure why I cared about all I cared about at tkitty. This feels kind of like what is described as a good thing in various religious books, right? Loss of ego or something. Ego, what a misused word. I just mean loss of the internal day-to-day entity that is always TCB in the moment with the Id under and the Superego over is all. Without the ego to get stuff done... there is just air with the Id puffing and blowing and moving, but what moves? Superego? Oh... good luck. I just want to stare at the dirt and the sky. No judgement.

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